What? Why am I upset now?

So it is officially 53 days before Caitlin leaves for the Peace Corps but I am struggling with so many feelings of loss already. We just finished an awesome Thanksgiving weekend – with everyone together – and i am sitting here on Sunday evening writing my first post. I am embarrassed to admit, but I literally, have cried most of the day. My husband said, “Why are you crying? She’s not leaving for 2 months.” I know! Right?! I cant understand this overwhelming sadness I am feeling. I think I am wrapped up in the feeling of “lasts”; last Vacation (yes, cried at least 5 times on our way home from family vacation this summer, thinking about this); last Thanksgiving and soon to be last Christmas. But my good friend reminded me, I should not think of it as ‘lasts’ but just a ‘pause’. She will return (in two years) and in the mean-time she will be having the experience of a life-time and making a difference in the lives of other people.

I have great support from my family and friends and my daughters actually bought me a bouquet of yellow roses tonight to help me feel better.  I generally pride myself for my strength and independence but damn! I am not sure I was prepared for these circumstances. I cant even imagine how Mothers, throughout the ages, have sent their sons off to war. The grief and fear they must have faced would be unimaginable. I would not begin to compare my grief to that….but maybe it relates?

I have gone through all the actions of the holidays – I cleaned, and put up the Christmas decorations, activities that usually bring me joy, but it all seems so empty……and sad…..dang it and she hasn’t even left yet.

I know I need to get out of myself and focus more on the positives like, how proud I am to have raised a daughter that wants to help other people and that she is willing to give 2 years of her life to make a difference in the lives of others. I also know that this experience will be life changing and she will grow to better understand herself and where she should be in this world.

#shehasnotleftyet and #NewYorkCity