What? Why am I upset now?

So it is officially 53 days before Caitlin leaves for the Peace Corps but I am struggling with so many feelings of loss already. We just finished an awesome Thanksgiving weekend – with everyone together – and i am sitting here on Sunday evening writing my first post. I am embarrassed to admit, but I literally, have cried most of the day. My husband said, “Why are you crying? She’s not leaving for 2 months.” I know! Right?! I cant understand this overwhelming sadness I am feeling. I think I am wrapped up in the feeling of “lasts”; last Vacation (yes, cried at least 5 times on our way home from family vacation this summer, thinking about this); last Thanksgiving and soon to be last Christmas. But my good friend reminded me, I should not think of it as ‘lasts’ but just a ‘pause’. She will return (in two years) and in the mean-time she will be having the experience of a life-time and making a difference in the lives of other people.

I have great support from my family and friends and my daughters actually bought me a bouquet of yellow roses tonight to help me feel better.  I generally pride myself for my strength and independence but damn! I am not sure I was prepared for these circumstances. I cant even imagine how Mothers, throughout the ages, have sent their sons off to war. The grief and fear they must have faced would be unimaginable. I would not begin to compare my grief to that….but maybe it relates?

I have gone through all the actions of the holidays – I cleaned, and put up the Christmas decorations, activities that usually bring me joy, but it all seems so empty……and sad…..dang it and she hasn’t even left yet.

I know I need to get out of myself and focus more on the positives like, how proud I am to have raised a daughter that wants to help other people and that she is willing to give 2 years of her life to make a difference in the lives of others. I also know that this experience will be life changing and she will grow to better understand herself and where she should be in this world.

#shehasnotleftyet and #NewYorkCity

4 thoughts on “What? Why am I upset now?”

  1. I love you dearly mom. Stay strong and keep those positive thoughts in mind. This is going to be an incredible experience for Cait and all good things will come from it. Love that I can follow along with the boxes you send her!

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  2. Hi, love the blog. Didn’t know you were so techy! I’m excited about Caitlin’s journey to Ethiopia and the Peace Corps. I will miss her, as we all will. I am so proud of her courage and her determination to do good for others. I guess she got that from her Mom, of whom I am also very proud. Love you Bridget and Caitlin to the moon and back. Proud Mom and Grandma

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